In Retrospection

I am at a point in my life when one needs to decide a few things. The happy-go-lucky way has to end. One is supposed to start thinking about the future, about how and where and in whose company one will be spending it. In my case, it boils down to me deciding whether I want to study further. It is a popular fact that one can study whenever one wishes to, that one can accumulate degrees much later in the career and still benefit from them. The soul reason for me studying my ass out through school years stands so very much in contrast to norm that I am better off keeping it to myself. And I know that that reason will not suffice as a motivation for me studying any further. Truth be told, that reason does not justify me studying as much as I have! That reason cannot justify anything! So? Where does that leave me?

Many of my friends never left studying. They continued with researches and publishing papers and more researches after graduation. But retrospection leads me to see that their motivation was different from mine. That even when in college, where most of us had given up the concept, they had still continued to flourish as students. They simply are continuing what they set out to do. And that there has not been a gross change in perceptions, or so their behaviour suggests. (It is perhaps of some worth to mention here that few possess the strength, or better put, the will to change the equations of life, in that they deal in constants rather than variables, and align them to ever changing perceptions. Hence even when perceptions may have taken a 180 degree spin, behavioural tendencies may show no signs of shear or tension. That according to me defines complacence, but let’s not digress here.)

Then I also have friends who had landed up in meeting rooms directly from class rooms. There are generally speaking two kinds (arguably) - People who had taken up jobs because that seemed to be the best option open, and people who had taken up jobs because that seemed to be the only option open. I believe I belong happily to the latter kind (happiness may also lie in not having to choose) when my friends are of the opinion that I belong to the former. But whichever the kind, many have began migrating from jobs onto further studying, and every single one has chosen to do this abroad (I do not know what to read in this last fact). So I am fast running out of peers who are simple graduates. Does this have a potential threat hidden somewhere which would have me run head first into a mid-life crisis (reserved in context of my career)?

So let’s discuss available options at this point in my life. What if I do decide to study! What do I study? Certainly not core technology. I was never meant for that. (Remember my motivating factor? It did not justify this even when it served as a motivating factor.) Then a Masters in Business Administration or Finance perhaps?! Finance is number crunching to a thick skull like mine and that sort of thing may have dire consequences to my sanity and appetite. The MBA seems more and more a ball game but then it’s a tough nut to crack and knowing my number skills, may be honestly beyond my reach. One argument that I may put forward here is that the IIMs are producing more and more shit these days (and here I am quoting an ex-IIM graduate and a present leader of my firm) and that I can be as worthless even when the MBA curriculum’s through with me.

The other and more complacent option is to stick with the current flow of things and stay put as an employee with a distant hope of one day making sumptuous gains from loyalty and hardcore hands-on experience. This is the easy bit and won’t require any theatrics on my part; as is the case, this comes naturally to me.

I am a person who has expected the benefits of a disciplined life without having to lead an actually disciplined life. I am a lazy man who demands much. But on a number of occasions I find myself equally satisfied with less, much less. And so I am a little bit confused. It has started to dawn on me that what you deserve and what you wish to achieve are one and the same. And there, I am confused.